Weird
by theartistformerlyknownaswmlaw
Summary: Breaking Dawn spoilers. Two conversations between Carlisle and Esme. One pre-Breaking Dawn, one post-Happily Ever After. Seriously weird but amusing if I do say so myself.


"So, I hear that you offered the Island to Edward for his and Bella's honeymoon."

Turning at the sound of his voice, I watched as he entered the kitchen, placing his doctor's bag on the counter and draping his coat and jacket across a chair. "Why...yes. I thought it would be nice to go somewhere private. And Bella will need the warmth," I added with a chuckle.

"But the Island?"

With a questioning look, I leaned my hip against the center island. "Yes. Why do you sound so...opposed to the idea?"

I watched as he shrugged and pursed his lips in thought. "Doesn't it just strike you as weird?"

"Weird?" Despite being married to the man for nearly a century, sometimes I just didn't understand him, usually when it was obvious he wanted to say something but was holding back for some reason or another. "Why would it be _weird_? The fact that we own an island, that's kind of weird, I'd grant you. That we're both vampires and drink blood- animal blood specifically- that's _plenty _weird. That we have a son who is older than me? That's _really weird._ But lending our vacation home to our son... I just don't see it."

"Ok...maybe not weird but..." as I watched I could see he was struggling for the right word. "Icky?"

"Icky!?" I gasped, laughing at his expression. "Carlisle, what are you on about?"

I could tell he was exasperated by my reply. He exhaled and pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he had picked up from Edward or possibly vice versa. "Not our house per se... Our bed."

"Aaaah," I whispered. So that was his concern. "You don't like the idea of Bella and Edward honeymooning in our bedroom," I surmised.

"Oh come on, Esme. Admit it. It's..."

"Weird? Icky?" I couldn't contain my mirth.

"He's our son!"

"Yes," I tried to suppress my laughter as I could tell he truly was unsettled by the idea.

"You don't find it in the least bit disconcerting that he'll...that he and Bella will..."

"I believe the words you are looking for _Doctor _Cullen is 'have sex.' Engage in sexual intercourse?" I once again burst into peals of laughter at his obvious discomfort with the subject. It was not often one saw Dr. Carlisle Cullen embarrassed.

He frowned and stood up quickly. "Well, I can see that this is getting me no where. Fine, let them use the Island." He grabbed his coat, scarf and bag up and glared at me. "Let them use our bed," he added with a growl. As I watched in amused disbelief, he walked quickly out of the kitchen, grumbling under his breath. Even with our preternatural hearing, I could only catch bits and pieces of what he was saying.

Feeling a sudden burst of chagrin, I called to him, "Carlisle, honey, its not..."

I grimaced as I heard the slam of his office door. "Well then."

_A few months later (however long it took for Bella to get pregnant, give birth, develop her special powers, and defeat the Volturi without lifting a single finger+)_

I flitted around the room, whistling one of the pub songs Maggie had taught us before she left. The house was calm, a welcome change after the last few months. I could hear the television downstairs where Rose and Emmett were watching Sesame Street with Nessie. Bella and Edward were probably at their cottage being newlyweds. And Alice and Jasper were out, most likely shopping for Nessie.

I heard clicking coming from my husband's study and peeked inside to find him sitting in front of his computer, entering what appeared to be a credit card number based on the small rectangular piece of plastic in his hand.

"Oh not you too!" I exclaimed, snatching the card from his hand as I sat on top of his desk.

"What?"

"I expect it from Alice and Rosalie. We've had more items delivered to this house since Nessie arrived than since we moved to Forks. I'm on a first name basis with the UPS man, the Fed-Ex driver, and DHL's delivery girl! I mean...the shelters in Olympia and Port Angeles no doubt will appreciate the practically new hand-me-downs but this is getting ridiculous!" I waved the card in front of him, a smile softening my gentle chiding.

He stared at me in confusion, and possibly a small amount of fear. "I'm not shopping for Nessie."

I paused, momentarily distracted by the way his face and voice softened on our granddaughter's name. Nessie certainly had her grandfather wrapped around her little finger. In fact, all of the Cullen-Hale men were beyond taken with her, giving into her every whim. But, if I were being honest, I'd have to admit that she certainly was being spoiled by the female half of the family as well. I shook my head and tried to remember what I was upset about. A quick glance at the credit card in my hand re-centered my thoughts. Raising an eyebrow I asked, "Not for Nessie?"

"Nope."

"For me?" I said, ever hopeful. Every girl- except Bella that was- liked presents, especially shiny and sparkly ones.

"Sort of."

"Carlisle!" I pushed his chair gently away as I leaned into the computer. "A bed? And..." I scrolled down the page to the rest of the order summary. "A mattress and box spring?"

"Uh huh."

I fixed an annoyed stare at him in response to his pithy reply. "Why may I ask are you buying us a new bed, mattress and box spring off the internet?" I paused recalling the morning's events. Our bed had been fine... unless. A series of visions ran through my mind, a hundred different ways that my beautiful, hand-carved, Brazilian maple bed could have been damaged. I growled and asked, "Which one of our children is to blame?"

"None. It's not for here."

"Not for here?" I was completely puzzled.

"Nope."

Giving up, I whined, "Carlisle..."

I watched as a wry smile overtook his face. "For the Island."

"The Island? But..." I trailed off, remembering a conversation months before. "Carlisle...seriously? SERIOUSLY?"

"Seriously seriously."

"You are so WEIRD!" I chucked the credit card at his head. He, of course, grabbed it before it could sustain any damage. "I better like it or you're going to be in soooo much trouble." My threat was completely baseless. There wasn't much I could do to punish him that wouldn't punish me just as thoroughly. And of course I'd like it. He knew my tastes. "Humph." I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss before hopping off of his desk and walking towards the door. "You know I love you beyond all reason. But you are so seriously weird."

As I walked down the stairs, I could hear his laughter behind me. All was well... No, all was weird. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

+That's not to say that no fingers were lifted mind you. I caught both Jasper and Emmett lifting fingers and they were severely chastised for it.

A/N: I realize that this was completely wacko and I blame three things. First, I read a fic yesterday by Ein Kampf kann eine Lebenszeit, "Carlisle, I Love You" that addressed the rather icky nature of Ed and Bella honeymooning in Carlisle and Esme's bedroom. Second, when I read the book, I had a complete "a what now?" reaction to the idea that B&E would be sexxing it up in C&E's (different Es of course!) bed. Third, my mother made a rather icky comment yesterday that is in a similar vein. So, as a result of those you get this crazy fic. Please review!


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